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Hello. I have been spending all my time at the stoner_girls community.

I am really lonely. But thatapos;s okay :/

I am having a really good, long conversation with Jay right now...
...I really miss him :(
I miss my friends that understand me. Not that my new friends up here donapos;t understand me, itapos;s just that I am two different people. And I am not too sure which is "more me" and which is "a lie".
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Iapos;m going to be honest: 21 was a terrible year for me.
God doted upon me still and granted me the opportunity to take that trip to Mexico, and if it werenapos;t for that amazing bright spot, I donapos;t know if Iapos;d still be standing today.
Iapos;ve lost two amazing friends, no matter the fact that they say things wonapos;t be different. They already are and Iapos;m sure things will deteriorate further... But I hope for different things.. If that makes sense.

As a kid I never really had the opportunity to reach out to other kids at church or at school which were my main two pools for socializing because of everything with my dad. As Iapos;ve gotten older, matured, grown, forgiven, and developed in Christ Iapos;ve slowly learned how to be honest and let people in. Iapos;ve learned to let people care about me and allow myself to genuinely love and care about them. My small group of close friends now, I so so so so dearly love and Iapos;d do so much for them. I would. I know they care for me and would do just about as much and Iapos;m so glad that God has allowed me to develop in this way. It was very different before, though I know I still have a ways to go.
Along with this new found blessing though comes the vulnerability which was the reason I shunned such relationships for so long in the first place. Iapos;ve lost two of some of my VERY close friends.. People that I love like mad... And itapos;s kind of the first time Iapos;m actually feeling it.

It hurts.
A lot.

God..
wow..
I donapos;t like this, but I know I must not falter. I canapos;t stray any further but I must hold fast. Hold fast. I have to thank You over and over again for the people that youapos;ve put in my life.. My kids.. My friends.. My family.. You bless me beyond belief, but somehow my meager power allows me to screw a lot of this stuff up anyway. Still you bless me and make things right. As to the reason why, I still have no clue and there are times that I wish you would just leave me to destruction, but You donapos;t.. And Iapos;m pretty sure You never will.
My heart breaks.. I donapos;t know how to accept such a love, God. It is overbearing. Itapos;s too good.. Too pure. I canapos;t help myself right now. In fact, Iapos;m not sure I ever could. I have no clue where this is going or where Iapos;ll end up when the dust settles, but Iapos;m blind and my only shot at making it out is letting You take me there. You know my stubborn, cold, filthy heart and you know my flesh fights like a champ, yet youapos;re greater. Youapos;ve broken me before, and Lord Lord.. If You must, please please do it again. I beg you God with awe and thanksgiving.. Crush me. Who am I? Who are You?

Show me your face again... I need to see You more than ever.


I miss my boy Matt and his family. They were like family and still are to me.
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At this point, the deadline for return even with moderate fraud being past, I am obliged to admit to having acquired an iPod Touch.

Itapos;s nice in many respects. It has a little virtual keyboard, and it compensates for having no tactile feedback by having fairly aggressive error-correction: it presents a suggestion next to what youapos;re typing if it doesnapos;t look right, and if you donapos;t tape the tiny X to cancel, it corrects you when you hit space.

It also consistently changes "its" into "itapos;s".

this is the way the world endapos;s
this is the way the world endapos;s
this is the way the world endapos;s
not with a bang but with a whimper lol

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I have now had tests in all of my classes (save for writing, since a test would probably be counter productive)

and i am doing awesome. Whew. My toiling is paying off.

i just turned my application in to OnPoint credit union. I am in dire need of a higher interest savings account. I think business class is getting to me.

i actually uttered the phrase "Iapos;m not goth, i work in cosmetics" yesterday. Yes it does suck i can only wear black to work. I miss colors.

ive started sewing again. First time since the wedding. I am making lots of pretty coats since my school is on top of a hill and all i am is cold constantly.

and i have made some stupidly low calorie hummus. Its not exactly the same, but its close enough that im happy to never have the fattening traditional hummus again.

1 can of chickpeas (reserve a few tablespoons of the liquid)
1 1/2 tablespoons sesame oil
about 2 tablepoons fat free plain yogurt (you can skip this, but it gives it a more normal texture)
2 cloves of garlic
a splash of lemon juice.

put into a food processor and viola it has about 15 calories a tablespoon. Thats way less than 60.
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Huzzah Iapos;ve finally been diagnosed with sleep apnea And a group of people who understand sleep disorders

Iapos;ve known for about half a year that I have sleep apnea, my problem was just proving to my health care provider, after they told me it was just depression (multiple times). Well, they finally diagnosed me a week ago (my apena-hypopnea index was 19 during the sleep study). Iapos;ve since gotten a CPAP, and been feeling much better.

During the first day, all I noticed was that my upper back and shoulders were nearly as stiff or tight. Iapos;ve been feeling more awake, but still having to take naps, and get this, I feel rested after them no longer do I have to sleep because Iapos;m tired, and then rest once I get up to recover from sleep. Itapos;s freaking rad.

While the physically benefits are awesome, I have to say that the best part has nothing to do with my body, my sleep, or my energy. Itapos;s knowing that the last four years I havenapos;t been making shit up about how Iapos;m tired, depressed, and slowly falling apart. My junior year in high school I started competing nationally in dance...stressful for someone from Alaska who has to travel to the lower 48 for any competition. This was my passion...it was the reason I went to college. But in college, I had to stop dancing because of pains in my hip and leg, and lethargy. I couldnapos;t get the energy. Then, I ended up withdrawing from school and staying in my hometown (with no technical ballroom scene).

When I got the call that I was diagnosed, I was elated. The depression wasnapos;t my fault. Neither was my sleep schedule, my chronic inflammation, my weight gain. It wasnapos;t because I didnapos;t exercise enough, or didnapos;t eat right, or didnapos;t force myself awake for hours and hours. Granted none of those helped, but they werenapos;t the cause. I was literally fighting my hardest against something I couldnapos;t win on my own. Now, I have treatment.

I know this is kind of long, and I know none of you personally, but I need to share this with anyone who understands. My roommates, family, and friends, most of them thought I was being a hypochondriac, and looking for excuses. Not only did it hurt, but it also made me feel like less of a person, only because I didnapos;t have a "Real" disease like cancer or arthritis. Iapos;m looking forward to doing better in school, and getting help from teachers for the semester, now that I have proof of my sleep apnea.

Anyway, thanks for reading, take care, and for those of you without treatment, apnea or not, I send the best mojo your way
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�So,�I just got the audio book of The Audacity of Hope.�And within the first thirty seconds, Senator Obama inspired me so much that I decided to stop listening to his audiobook and get some work done.�Then,�I got bored with the work, went onto the internets, and saw a story on McCain. I got depressed, turned on the audiobook again and got so inspired that I went for a jog. While lacing up my "sneaks" (thatapos;s what we call shoes in "the biz") as I was about to turn off the tv,�I saw a McCain attack ad. I collapsed out of sheer hopelessness.�I woke up hours later, naked in the fetal position in the middle of Times Square.�Luckily, some hobos took me in, gave me an Obama sweatshirt, and sent me home.�Back home, I turned back on Obamaapos;s book, listening, openly weeping at the inspiration that was Obamaapos;s book, and decided to write an inspiring livejournal post.�Wait, Fox News just turned on...�NO�NO Audacity of Hope�TURN�IT�ON�TURN�IT�ON Ah... Obama, you are soo audacious. And hopeful.�Your hope is audacious, and inspiring. Anyway,�I have about six more hours of the book to listen to, so vote.�Vote Obama. No? Well I guess that hope is just a little too audacious for you, mister.

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My take on some of the propositions:

Prop 1A - yes. Desperately needed. Welcome to the future, california. Itapos;s about time we caught up with *gasp* europe and build a high-speed rail.

Prop 2 - no. As much as i am an advocate of animal rights, i think that issues involving things like cages should be left to the market to decide. I buy free-range meat and eggs, and i think if PETA can get the word out that these products are both better in quality and more humane, then people will begin to buy more free-range products whether or not we mandate farmers to build bigger cages - an undertaking that few farmers can afford in this economy. Farmers have it rough enough already.

Prop 4 - NO. Requiring that minor women notify their parents before obtaining an abortion is a disaster as it makes girls subject to familial ostracizing and domestic violence, not to mention the social stigma that comes from having their abortion made more public.

Prop 7 - no. Iapos;m for renewable energy, but the plan drawn is flawed in that it requires the renewable energy from the state to be purchased from big companies - a move that will disadvantage those who petitioned for renewable energy in the first place.

Prop 8. NO. And if you vote yes, please never talk to me again.

Prop R - A proposition to rename the Sewage Processing Plant after George W. Bush? awwww shiet.
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